Love making, heart breaking, soul shaking.
Over the last few weeks, I've trundled to Westfield shopping centre in Derby to complete my mother's shopping list for her. The first couple of times were fun- I got what was on the list and even treated myself to some new clothes. Result. I went again today, on the 14th of December, and I think I've lost my soul there. Now, if you've ever been there or happen to go there, you'll know how traumatising it really is, and why you should never go, especially not in December.
For starters, Primark is not located in the shopping centre, so I had to walk about 15 miles in the cold to look for it. I then asked a complete stranger if she knew where it was. She told me to turn around because it was right behind me. Embarrassing. Primark is scary at its best, but this close to Christmas people are pushing past to get the last pair of fluffy Santa socks and the queues are full of chavs, babies in prams and the elderly. I just wanted some tights and pyjamas.
After finding my way back to the shopping centre (I was scared to ask someone again), I had to go to Nandos to get a Christmas hot spice set. The staff in there were baffled when I would not sit at my designated seat.. "No, I just want a spice set. No food. Just the set.." The woman who served me decided to explain and point out each pot of sauce and spice, and then asked me AGAIN if I would be dining at my designated seat or if I was having my food to take away.
I had to go into Boots next. Why do children think it's acceptable to run around stranger's feet? I'm not going to lie, I did nudge the child 'by accident' so it would leave me alone. Don't bring your child Christmas shopping with you, tie them up outside. Also, don't walk in front of my really slowly because I will make a pissed off noise and overtake you. If my bags hit you on the way, then you shouldn't have been such a dickhead.
After this, I decided I would treat myself to some clothes. It's really difficult to inspect clothes whilst holding a million bags of someone elses shopping.. Okay, I only had 5 bags but it's not the point. I picked a top and took it to the counter. I then had to wait until someone realised there was a queue and decided to do their job. The man dropped the tag off the top, but instead of admitting that he had dropped it, he radioed to his friend to bring another top with another tag on. It's next to your foot, I can actually see it.
I was slightly cheered up by the large painted on foot prints around the shopping centre, obviously for children with extremely long legs. I did try to reach each foot print but my body doesn't bend that way. It led to the station for the shopping centre train (again for children). I was tempted to have a little ride, but the carriages looked like they were made for the Borrowers. I wonder how the children with extremely long legs manage to squeeze themselves into the carriages.
After walking around for 2 hours with many bags, I was feeling a little peckish so I made my way to the food court. The food court in Westfield shopping centre is a grazing ground for people who are too rough to be on the Jeremy Kyle show. Many of the places there are lovely little counters of fresh and healthy food, including English favourites, Chinese, jacket potatoes and even a pie stall. However, there are also places such as KFC, Burger King and Pizza Hut which all seem to have the biggest queues. I decided to get a chicken burger (from the healthy place, not KFC), and eat it alone. This is soul destroying in itself so I pretended to be important and I read a paper I found. I actually heard a chav behind me on the phone say "I've brought my family out for dinner, I'm a family man now." IN WESTFIELD SHOPPING CENTRE FOOD COURT. Oooh why don't you just take them to a fucking strip club as well.
I hated my life after sitting and eating a chicken burger with people watching. (The way in which the food court is set up means that everyone kind of faces each other on little benches..) I really did not want a dozen people to see the piece of lettuce smothered in mayonnaise fall out of the burger and slap me on the chin.
I decided to leave after this because I feared I might hit a child or say something offensive to an old lady. So I got up to put my food tray in the bin. I dropped it on the way. People actually laughed and pointed.
On the way home, I used my horn about 5 times because I was so wound up over the day. And then the song 'Don't Let Go' by En Vogue came on the radio and surprisingly this seemed to fix my whole day. Singing "there'll be some love making, heart breaking, soul shaking" at the top of my voice seemed to make the pain go away. Although I still don't know where my soul has gone.
The moral of this story? Do your Christmas shopping in October.
For starters, Primark is not located in the shopping centre, so I had to walk about 15 miles in the cold to look for it. I then asked a complete stranger if she knew where it was. She told me to turn around because it was right behind me. Embarrassing. Primark is scary at its best, but this close to Christmas people are pushing past to get the last pair of fluffy Santa socks and the queues are full of chavs, babies in prams and the elderly. I just wanted some tights and pyjamas.
After finding my way back to the shopping centre (I was scared to ask someone again), I had to go to Nandos to get a Christmas hot spice set. The staff in there were baffled when I would not sit at my designated seat.. "No, I just want a spice set. No food. Just the set.." The woman who served me decided to explain and point out each pot of sauce and spice, and then asked me AGAIN if I would be dining at my designated seat or if I was having my food to take away.
I had to go into Boots next. Why do children think it's acceptable to run around stranger's feet? I'm not going to lie, I did nudge the child 'by accident' so it would leave me alone. Don't bring your child Christmas shopping with you, tie them up outside. Also, don't walk in front of my really slowly because I will make a pissed off noise and overtake you. If my bags hit you on the way, then you shouldn't have been such a dickhead.
After this, I decided I would treat myself to some clothes. It's really difficult to inspect clothes whilst holding a million bags of someone elses shopping.. Okay, I only had 5 bags but it's not the point. I picked a top and took it to the counter. I then had to wait until someone realised there was a queue and decided to do their job. The man dropped the tag off the top, but instead of admitting that he had dropped it, he radioed to his friend to bring another top with another tag on. It's next to your foot, I can actually see it.
I was slightly cheered up by the large painted on foot prints around the shopping centre, obviously for children with extremely long legs. I did try to reach each foot print but my body doesn't bend that way. It led to the station for the shopping centre train (again for children). I was tempted to have a little ride, but the carriages looked like they were made for the Borrowers. I wonder how the children with extremely long legs manage to squeeze themselves into the carriages.
After walking around for 2 hours with many bags, I was feeling a little peckish so I made my way to the food court. The food court in Westfield shopping centre is a grazing ground for people who are too rough to be on the Jeremy Kyle show. Many of the places there are lovely little counters of fresh and healthy food, including English favourites, Chinese, jacket potatoes and even a pie stall. However, there are also places such as KFC, Burger King and Pizza Hut which all seem to have the biggest queues. I decided to get a chicken burger (from the healthy place, not KFC), and eat it alone. This is soul destroying in itself so I pretended to be important and I read a paper I found. I actually heard a chav behind me on the phone say "I've brought my family out for dinner, I'm a family man now." IN WESTFIELD SHOPPING CENTRE FOOD COURT. Oooh why don't you just take them to a fucking strip club as well.
I hated my life after sitting and eating a chicken burger with people watching. (The way in which the food court is set up means that everyone kind of faces each other on little benches..) I really did not want a dozen people to see the piece of lettuce smothered in mayonnaise fall out of the burger and slap me on the chin.
I decided to leave after this because I feared I might hit a child or say something offensive to an old lady. So I got up to put my food tray in the bin. I dropped it on the way. People actually laughed and pointed.
On the way home, I used my horn about 5 times because I was so wound up over the day. And then the song 'Don't Let Go' by En Vogue came on the radio and surprisingly this seemed to fix my whole day. Singing "there'll be some love making, heart breaking, soul shaking" at the top of my voice seemed to make the pain go away. Although I still don't know where my soul has gone.
The moral of this story? Do your Christmas shopping in October.
posted by Belinda at
12:22
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